


Apology

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-08-28
Packaged: 2017-12-24 23:05:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He might just die if he has ever done anything to hurt Alex Kingston, Matt decides, and he is not at all being dramatic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apology

**Author's Note:**

  * For [riversonng](https://archiveofourown.org/users/riversonng/gifts).



> Happy birthday Susie! <3 
> 
> (This may or may not be the longest fic I have ever actually finished. Also fist time posting anything in this exact fandom, so that's a bit nervewracking!)

The question comes out of nowhere and Matt is caught off guard. He's been talking about the show and about life as the Doctor, just the usual things people want to know. Then the interviewer grins and asks, almost states, "So, Alex Kingston, then?"

Matt hopes to God the cameras can't catch the way his neck flushes as thoughts race though his mind for a split second. He thinks about Alex: gorgeous, glorious Alex and the last time they'd walked around Cardiff for hours, sharing tea and coffee and ice cream, and then heading their separate ways to their flats. Matt thinks about Alex and her unearthly curls, impossibly green eyes and beautiful, beautiful smile. He thinks about being madly in love with her, and about her not knowing it; thinks about wanting her more than anything.

Before Matt can reply, he realizes this is all about those pictures someone snapped of them, that same day in Cardiff, and his heart sinks. The pictures had been all over the internet and a few newspapers – the two of them just walking down the street, her arm linked through his, quite obviously having a great time. The question is all about the rumours and what the tabloids say; about getting to kiss her on screen, and everyone thinking they're secretly snogging. Briefly, Matt wishes he could deny the rumours and then add that he wishes they were true. Right there, on national television, because he knows (or hopes, rather) that Alex would be watching.

Instead, he grins his best Doctor grin and says, "She's brilliant, Alex Kingston, absolutely brilliant. Love working with her, she’s a pleasure to have on set… They should bring her back—" Matt lets his voice trail off. _‘Don't make this personal’,_ he thinks frantically and adds what he knows everyone wants to hear. "Maybe they _are_ bringing her back. Can't really say... you know. Spoilers."

The interviewer loves that. He laughs, nods, and carries on. Matt can't quite focus for the rest of the interview.  


***

  
The next time he sees her is actually on set a few weeks later. Alex is sat at the makeup trailer when he walks in, already in costume, her lips parted and pursed slightly as the makeup artist applies lip-gloss with a small brush. Matt can't help staring and is suddenly very aware of the outfit he'd blindly thrown together in the morning: a band t-shirt that may or may not be Arthur's and jeans that probably used to fit before he started getting called on set at 6am and living on Starbucks drinks with elaborate, pretentious names and watery tea. He's aware of the aviator sunglasses messily pushing his fringe up, and then he's aware of Alex laughing. 

"Good morning, darling," Alex says, and he can tell she hasn't said much all morning, her voice still low and hoarse with sleep. Matt wishes he could wake up to that sound every morning, and sighs, reaching up to rub the bridge of his nose. "Rough night?" Alex guesses.  
  
"Reviewed the script all night," Matt lies swiftly as he walks over to sit in the chair next to hers. "It's good to see you, Kingston."

Next thing he knows, she's on her feet and sauntering over to his chair, arms wrapped around his neck as she leans down to hug him. His hands move to grip her sides on instinct as Alex says quietly, "It's good to be back."

Matt holds her for another second, awkwardly, her standing and him in his chair, the makeup artist quietly chaperoning the exchange. His eyes closing, he allows himself to inhale her scent. It's Alex, the way she always is – flowery perfume and shampoo and tea; and then it's River, so distinctly _River_ , the heavy smell of hairspray and makeup, intricately mixed with the rest of Alex.

She is a mystery, Matt thinks fleetingly, she is complicated and complex, and endlessly interesting, and there is nothing he wants more than to study her and know her, and get to touch and memorise every part of her he's used to quietly observing from a safe distance. 

“And you’re _sure_ you just read that script all night?” Alex asks incredulously when she pulls back and Matt has to shake his head in an almost comical way to silence his thoughts and focus on the conversation. “No—future Mrs. Matt Smith keeping you up?”

Matt has to smile. He’s missed her blunt, direct questions just as much as he’s missed everything else about her. The first time she made him blush like a school boy is when he fell in love with her, and now it’s happening again as he shakes his head and laughs nervously, his still sleepy face and mussed up hair making him look entirely like a flustered teenager.

“No—no Mrs. Matt Smith at all—“ he says absently and manages to add a grin. Alex doesn’t need to know anything about the way his stomach turns when he remotely considers telling her he’s not even looking, not at all, because he’s been in love with someone for years and she doesn’t even have a clue. “You’d be the first to know, Miss Kingston,” Matt murmurs instead, then winks, thinking that if on-set flirting with her is all he’s ever going to get, then he’s going to make damn sure he does that as much as humanly possible. Constant flirting. That’s going to be it.

“I’m honored,” Alex murmurs back and her lips curl in a subtle smirk, though it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Matt doesn’t miss that and feels just slightly miserable when he fails to read the emotion that colors her eyes as she glances away from him. 

Usually, she’d play along and chat for a while, but now it feels like there is a sudden barrier between them that has never existed before. Matt panics as the makeup artist walks over, still quietly observing them, and starts doing his makeup.

With his eyes fixed on his own reflection in the mirror, he spends a while going through everything he might have done to hurt Alex and as his face gets covered in layers of makeup, he fails to think of anything. He always threads so lightly around her. He might just die if he has ever done anything to hurt Alex Kingston, Matt decides, and he is not at all being dramatic.

A while later, the trailer door swings open and Alex is called on set, and Matt notices that they haven’t said anything to each other for a while. It stings, weirdly.

“I’ll see you in a bit, Kingston,” he calls and does his best to sound as lighthearted as possible as a billion thoughts and worries run through his head.

“Of course you will,” Alex nods, briefly pausing at the door, gripping the doorframe as she is already more or less out. “I’m _a pleasure to have on set_ , after all.”

By the time Matt’s heart has finished swapping places with his stomach, she’s out and the door’s closed behind her, and he briefly wonders if he could pass out right there while he’s getting his hair done. For a moment, he doesn’t even know what Alex meant, or why she sounded so hurt by it.

Then he realizes she’s quoted _him_ , and he just wants to disappear. He ends up heading towards the TARDIS set miserable and confused, and for the first time since he met her, not looking forward to filming with her.

 

***

 

Nothing gets discussed. Matt can’t find the words to ask her where he fucked up, let alone apologize, and Alex doesn’t acknowledge any of it. For a few days, she flirts just the right amount when they’re around the crew and the rest of the cast, performs flawlessly on camera, and to any onlooker, she’s probably the same Alex everyone’s used to.

Matt can’t help noticing the difference. She’s quiet when they end up alone, in trailers and during lunch breaks, she ignores him any chance she gets without drawing anyone’s attention to the silent conflict that’s going on between them.

Matt doesn’t even understand, and he has no way of knowing how to fix this.

On the third day, when Alex is not around, Matt practically corners Karen because he needs help and he has no idea how to ask for it. So he corners Karen and hope that works.

“Alex is mad at me,” Matt says and the second that’s past his lips, he knows just how childish it sounds.

“Well? What did you _do_?” Karen’s arms are crossed at her chest and she’s giving him an uncharacteristically serious look. Matt wonders if she knows more than she’s telling him.

“I don’t know, that’s the bloody problem,” he huffs. When Karen says nothing, Matt sighs and carries on, sounding more like an angry child than he wants as he explains, “She was _fine_ Monday morning but then she quoted something I said in an interview, you know, about her. She seems to be pissed—“

“What did you say?” Karen cuts him off, just a hint of a dangerous edge to her voice.

“That I love working with her. That’s she’s _brilliant—_ Why would she be pissed off about that?!”

For a moment, Karen thinks Matt might actually stomp his foot like an actual five year old. Then she rolls her eyes and it takes a lot of effort not to slap him.

He’s _obvious,_ so obvious when he mopes around whining about Alex, and every suspicion Karen has ever had that he’s head over heels in love is suddenly confirmed. She wants to squeal, maybe cheer, and tell Arthur he owes her quite a bit of money, but there’s a lot more that needs to be done first.

“Oh you—you _dumbo_ _,_ ” Karen sighs and reaches to take Matt’s hands in hers. “’course she didn’t wanna hear that—“

“But I meant it,” Matt interjects.

“Shut up. ‘course you did. But you made her sound like some ordinary guest star and she’s—“

“Extraordinary.”

“ _Yes,_ Matthew, shut up!” Karen rolls her eyes at him, again, and almost laughs when he glares at her, so obviously frustrated. “Just—go find Alex. And bloody talk to her. Tell her all the things you wanted to say on telly.”

Matt gives her the blankest look his dark eyes are capable of producing and now Karen is laughing.

“I’ve known you for years, Matt, I _know_ when you wanna tell some interviewer you’d happily shag your costar.”

Oh, and Matt wants to punch her. But she’s standing there, looking straight in his eyes and she seems dead serious about it. Suddenly, Matt feels a surge of courage and something that may or may not be outright recklessness.

“But _how_ do I—“ he starts, and once again, Karen cuts him off, shaking her head almost lovingly at him.

“Just go _talk_ to Alex.”

 

***

 

It actually takes a while. When Matt walks off from his chat with Karen, he feels weird – almost high; really excited, hopeful and just a bit daring. It feels like he could do _anything._

But then he gets called back on set, and then hours pass until it’s way past midnight, and they’ve wrapped for the day. The scene that’s been shot last features him and Alex, and he’s distracted for a good hour, failing to complete a single take before the director’s forced to give up and let everyone go for the night.

Alex has been incredibly calm throughout that process, patiently helping him through each take, ever the generous and utterly brilliant scene partner she’s always been.

It’s not until she’s outside and walking to her trailer that Matt watches her shoulders drop and he thinks she must be so, so tired. He wants nothing more than to wrap her in his arms and hold her, and apologize over and over for every single time he’s pissed her off. And if he doesn’t man up now, he might never get the chance.

“Alex?” Matt calls, tentatively at first, though when she doesn’t stop walking, he repeats, “Alex!”

When Alex turns around and stares at him, her eyes are tired and he can tell she’s frustrated, and he seems unable to produce any sound for a second. God, he’s just so _sorry._ He wishes she could just read his mind and know; but for now his wide, wet eyes and furrowed brow can’t suffice. So he takes a sharp breath and walks over to her.

“Can we—can I talk to you? Please?”

Alex shrugs. It’s better than rejection, Matt notes bitterly and then hesitantly reaches for her hand. He ends up gently gripping her wrist and when Alex doesn’t object, he allows hope to nestle safely in the back of his mind, where it can’t blind him but it’s just enough to keep him safe from fatalist thoughts.

“Well?” Alex prompts. “Are you going to _talk_ , or—“

Matt smiles a bit, nervously, and awkwardly leads her aside – to the side of a trailer, where they can talk privately, without being interrupted by the leaving crew. He doesn’t want to invite her to his trailer, or follow her to hers. He wants to, quite literally, give her room to walk away as soon as she wants to.

“I’m sorry,” Matt says finally, and he can practically feel the entire speech he’d prepared vanish from his mind. So he takes another deep breath and improvises, quietly, his voice just above a murmur because the last thing he wants is to get interrupted. “About—what I said in that interview. I’m sorry if I made you feel anything short from special, Alex, because you’re _so—_ “

She hasn’t left yet. Matt trails off and stares into her eyes for a moment. There are a billion ways to finish that sentence. She’s so beautiful, so talented, so fierce, so unbelievably _sexy—_ and he can’t say any of that.

“ _So_ special,” Matt whispers instead, and his voice is just a bit breathless, words tumbling from his lips before he can really think about it. “You’ve been like—some _miracle,_ from that very first day at the table read. And—you _amaze_ me, Alex. I don’t know anyone else who’s that talented and generous, and absolutely beautiful and—“

She hasn’t left yet. On the contrary, Alex’s hand has slipped to his and she’s gripping Matt’s hand so hard he can feel her fingers shake from the tension. She’s perfectly quiet, her eyes glistening as she watches him, her bottom lip caught in her teeth.

“And I couldn’t say any of that in an interview,” Matt finishes softly. “Not before telling you first. Because, I don’t know, you might not care, but it means a lot to me and—yeah. I wanted to tell you first.”

Matt falls silent and holds his breath. His eyes shift down and he stares at the tips of his boots, thinking absently that he can’t recall the last time he’s been that perfectly quiet. Alex is not saying anything either, but she’s still gripping his hand and not walking away, and he’s afraid to speak up. Alex is taking small breaths and exhaling them sharply, for a few seconds, and Matt is about to ask her if she’s okay when he looks back up.

Her lips collide with his so quickly and with such force that for a moment, Matt thinks he might be dreaming. Instinctively, his hand moves to her waist as Alex steps closer, finally letting go of his hand to lock her fingers at the back of his neck. That is when Matt kisses her back, finally, his lips parting, tongue tracing her upper lip. Alex gasps, and Matt thinks that it’s the most erotic sound he’s ever heard.

His hands slide down to her hips, fingers ghosting the swell of her arse as she keeps kissing him back, lips and tongues engaged in some weird battle dance as they study and map out the territory of each other’s mouths.

When Alex pulls back, she’s breathless and flushed, a few stray curls falling in front of her face. She is the most gorgeous thing Matt has ever seen. He reaches out and gently brushes her hair away from her eyes, watching her intently as he waits for her to speak up.

“You idiot,” she says, her voice low and affectionate, and it makes him want to take her right there and love her until they are both spent. “ _Of course_ I care. Of course I—“

Matt doesn’t let her keep talking. His hands are all over her body as he kisses her with renewed fervor, his heart racing so fast he’s convinced she can hear it through their quiet moans and gasps for air.

There will be plenty of time to talk about this. For now, all that matters is that Alex has certainly forgiven him, and her forgiveness comes in the form of her small palm tracing the bulge forming in his trousers as she sighs incoherent promises into his mouth.

All that matters is that Matt has her backed up against the wall of the trailer and she is kissing down his neck, laughing into his skin as she tugs on the bowtie he’s still wearing.

In the distance, they can hear chatter as someone walks past the trailers and fails to notice them in the shadows, though they freeze – Matt’s hands on Alex’s arse, their lips barely touching as they struggle not to make any noise.

Then they’re alone again and Matt can hear Alex sigh contently as he kisses down her neck. When he looks up, her eyes are closed and she is smiling, and Matt feels like the luckiest man on Earth.

There will be plenty of time to talk about this. For now, all that matters is that they’re there, hidden between trailers like a pair of school children, making out in the shadows.

Now, all that matters is that Alex’s fingers are slowly, carefully undoing the buttons of his shirt. 


End file.
